I need to begin taking my life more seriously.
I am a lazy person. I have been floating through my entire life only waking up when some excitement heads my way. I've never made my own excitement. I haven't figured out who I am yet because it's impossible to figure out who you are when you're...nothing.
I have plenty of interests, but I don't do anything about them. I wonder if I'm really this lazy or just afraid of what might happen if I TRY for the first time in my life. What will happen if I reach for something I really want? I have always done what I thought I could get away with when it came to my parents. They dictated just about everything until I went to college (yes, I'll admit, I went to PSU because my Dad did). When they weren't there in college and I was making my own decisions, I made the opposite decision of the ones they would have made for me. Simply to EXPERIENCE instead of staying sheltered, to find MYSELF instead of being a blank slate for them to write all over.
So I had four years of serious rebelling and self-discovery. At least, I viewed it as self-discovery. All in all, I didn't like where I ended up. Now I'm back at my parents' house and exactly what I feared has happened. I just fell into a life where they handed me a job and I lived by their rules. You know what? The rewards were great. Their approval, their support, bills paid, food on the table, nice home, and general happiness between them and me.
I love them, and I love that we are co-existing so well at the moment. We do have our occassional spats over what to watch on TV, but that is my biggest problem with them right now. Things have never been this...easy.
Then I take a long hard look at myself in the mirror and try to figure out who I am. All I can come up with is tired. I feel like I've had a lot taken out of me. I have. I've had some things happen that I haven't shared with anybody, not even Brian. Life has fucked me.
And it still blows my mind that right now I could have a one-year-old child. I'm not sad about it, I don't have that sense of loss that most have because I never got a chance to develop any kind of bond. I didn't even have a chance to think about what it would be like to have her because she was gone before I knew it. What would my life be like if I had that baby? I would have had her with the rest of fall semester, spring semester, and summer session still ahead of me. Brian and I aren't together now. I'm living with my parents. I don't start my job with benefits until after Christmas.
I'll bet I would have grown up quickly, been happy, been able to do it with my parents by my side, and loved her more than anything. I also would have had a lot of regret. I wouldn't ever have been able to be ok with how things turned out between Brian and I. I would never figure out what I wanted out of life for myself. I never saw it as a second chance before, but I kind of do now.
I thank God that I did not have that baby. That sounds horrible, but I mean it. I want my child to have the best PARENTS in the world. Two of them. Mom and Dad. I want to give my child everything I've had and more.
So, that being said, I guess I better start acting like this is my second chance. I really need to develop myself as a person. I think about why I believe I'm a valuable person and it's all in my head, there's nothing I've done. Definitely not something in the past four or five years. I've thought and I've talked a lot. I've graduated college. I've lived that life. Now what? There was no plan after that. At least I can say I graduated college, but there should be more to it than that. What happens after the next four or five years? What will I be able to say? That I'm married? How about after that? That I have kids?
So student~~~> married~~~~~> kids. That will have been my life, in a nutshell.
That's not a very interesting life. That's very much a rough draft of the lives of the majority of most people. What makes me unique? Am I unique? What would make me irreplaceable and unforgettable?
I'm way too afraid of EVERYTHING. I need to stop hiding. I'm gonna be forced to deal with the world eventually anyway. I may as well meet it head on...and maybe not always expect the worst from it.
You get what you give, and I haven't given very much.