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So, I definitely started a new journal (as you've probably figured out by now). I came back to always_eponine tonight after reading Christina's journal. It got me to wondering about just what it was I thought about a year ago.

It turns out that I felt as though a year of craziness was about to be thrown at me. I wasn't wrong.

I started a new journal because I felt like the "new me" was going to poison whatever version of myself I'd been pouring into "always_epoinine" practically from the start of college. I like the way this journal has wrapped up so nicely. If you're interested in what's been going on check out "bella_sogna"
Current Location: The desk in my bedroom
Current Mood: calmcalm
Current Music: Gravity- John Mayer
07 June 2007 @ 04:27 am
He graduated high school 4 years before I was even born.

He could drink legally before I could breathe.

He's closer to my father's age than my age.

I know he's not someone I'm going to get into a relationship with, but damn. I feel so comfortable with him. We can talk for hours. We fall asleep together, and we're constantly curling up together. He's cute for an older guy.

I mean, I'm in love with his friend anyway when it all comes down to it...but still. I'm getting protective of him talking to skanks he's too good for and he's getting protective of me. If I were in any other situation this would be the start of something really good.

He's just too old for me. Even if it would be fun for a little while, it wouldn't last or be serious. I might move into the house, then we'd be roommates and that's all the more reason just to be close friends.

Ok, just had to vent. Bed time.
01 January 2007 @ 04:00 pm
So, it's 2007. Fresh start time.

I guess we'll see what happens. I'm kinda excited, I really am. It's just hard going into a New Year still trying to heal heartbreak from the year before. It's amazing how much some things can affect us, whether we like it or not.

I feel like 2007 will be a year for New Beginnings. I feel like this is gonna be my year. A lot is gonna happen this year and I'm a little nervous, a little anxious, and a little tentative. It's my first year out of school. Who knows what other firsts or big experiences I'm going to have?

This is the first year I've ever started with hesitation. I'm excited, I want to see what 2007 brings, but I'm scared as hell to see what life is gonna throw at me.

I might start a new livejournal. Not a little side thing like some of the ones I have. Something to replace always_eponine. If you want to read it, let me know.
Current Mood: curiouscurious
Current Music: Jermaine Dupri and Jay-Z: Money Ain't a Thing
19 December 2006 @ 06:31 am
oh right, and things with Daniel.

What happened is definitely privileged information. Mmmm. That's all you get "Mmmm" and "God damn." lol I know it's not what I want and not where/who I want to be so I'm kinda hoping that it'll just end. He ended it, and then came and saw me the next day. Now he wants to see me Wedensday. I think I just need to tell him no. I just need to tell him I don't think we should see each other anymore. I think he's great, and I care about him...and he's hot...but in all honesty, we're headed in different directions and coming from different pasts. Nothing about us has been, is, or ever will be aligned.

Like I've said before, I don't like wasting my time on something that won't work, and that's exactly what I've been doing.

He is great though. I hope he finds a good woman. I think we're both just really scared to end up alone.
I need to begin taking my life more seriously.

I am a lazy person. I have been floating through my entire life only waking up when some excitement heads my way. I've never made my own excitement. I haven't figured out who I am yet because it's impossible to figure out who you are when you're...nothing.

I have plenty of interests, but I don't do anything about them. I wonder if I'm really this lazy or just afraid of what might happen if I TRY for the first time in my life. What will happen if I reach for something I really want? I have always done what I thought I could get away with when it came to my parents. They dictated just about everything until I went to college (yes, I'll admit, I went to PSU because my Dad did). When they weren't there in college and I was making my own decisions, I made the opposite decision of the ones they would have made for me. Simply to EXPERIENCE instead of staying sheltered, to find MYSELF instead of being a blank slate for them to write all over.

So I had four years of serious rebelling and self-discovery. At least, I viewed it as self-discovery. All in all, I didn't like where I ended up. Now I'm back at my parents' house and exactly what I feared has happened. I just fell into a life where they handed me a job and I lived by their rules. You know what? The rewards were great. Their approval, their support, bills paid, food on the table, nice home, and general happiness between them and me.

I love them, and I love that we are co-existing so well at the moment. We do have our occassional spats over what to watch on TV, but that is my biggest problem with them right now. Things have never been this...easy.

Then I take a long hard look at myself in the mirror and try to figure out who I am. All I can come up with is tired. I feel like I've had a lot taken out of me. I have. I've had some things happen that I haven't shared with anybody, not even Brian. Life has fucked me.

And it still blows my mind that right now I could have a one-year-old child. I'm not sad about it, I don't have that sense of loss that most have because I never got a chance to develop any kind of bond. I didn't even have a chance to think about what it would be like to have her because she was gone before I knew it. What would my life be like if I had that baby? I would have had her with the rest of fall semester, spring semester, and summer session still ahead of me. Brian and I aren't together now. I'm living with my parents. I don't start my job with benefits until after Christmas.

I'll bet I would have grown up quickly, been happy, been able to do it with my parents by my side, and loved her more than anything. I also would have had a lot of regret. I wouldn't ever have been able to be ok with how things turned out between Brian and I. I would never figure out what I wanted out of life for myself. I never saw it as a second chance before, but I kind of do now.

I thank God that I did not have that baby. That sounds horrible, but I mean it. I want my child to have the best PARENTS in the world. Two of them. Mom and Dad. I want to give my child everything I've had and more.

So, that being said, I guess I better start acting like this is my second chance. I really need to develop myself as a person. I think about why I believe I'm a valuable person and it's all in my head, there's nothing I've done. Definitely not something in the past four or five years. I've thought and I've talked a lot. I've graduated college. I've lived that life. Now what? There was no plan after that. At least I can say I graduated college, but there should be more to it than that. What happens after the next four or five years? What will I be able to say? That I'm married? How about after that? That I have kids?

So student~~~> married~~~~~> kids. That will have been my life, in a nutshell.

That's not a very interesting life. That's very much a rough draft of the lives of the majority of most people. What makes me unique? Am I unique? What would make me irreplaceable and unforgettable?

I'm way too afraid of EVERYTHING. I need to stop hiding. I'm gonna be forced to deal with the world eventually anyway. I may as well meet it head on...and maybe not always expect the worst from it.

You get what you give, and I haven't given very much.
Current Location: room
Current Mood: restlessrestless
So I attempted something with Daniel despite my better judgement.

Mmm, it could've been so good, but like I thought itwould, it ended before it began. There were already complications and he got in trouble for calling me. I didn't know he wasn't allowed to have a cell phone. Then, when I found out, I didn't think he was around the mission when I called. He picked up so I wouldn't think he was ignoring me, but I think someone ratted him out for having the phone. Either that or one of the staff caught him.

.....or he realized how wrong this was and couldn't bring himself to admit it.

Damn though, I'll miss those lips. Softest lips I've ever kissed. It was short-lived and innocent, but it was fun while it lasted. I liked talking to him, I liked chillin with him, and I liked having my thug-baby around. He made me laugh. I care about him, I hope everything works out for him the way he deserves.

Who knows? I could still hear from him this weekend, but still, it's pretty obvious that this won't work out. It's over...already!

So, I'm thinking about calling Joe after all. I saw his mom at the nail salon and she reminded me that their number was the same as always, that Joe was living at home, and had broken up with his girlfriend. I haven't seen him in a long time, but he's always made me smile. I'll always get butterflies when I see him. I'm just wondering if there's anything there. At the beef and beer he tried to kiss me right in front of his gf! I was still with Brian at the time too. That was the last time I saw him. I don't know, I don't think I'd know what to say to him. It would be so out of the blue...but who knows? We can at least catch up as friends. It'd be interesting to see if there's anything there.

On another note, I think (and I say this hesitantly) that I'm finally getting over Brian. Not in a way that I have absolutely no feelings for him...I'll always love him, he'll always be a very important part of my life...but in a way that I feel like my heart is free to love someone else as much as I loved him. I don't know if I'll be lucky enough to love like that again, but I'm ready. I say it hesitantly because I've begun to feel like this before, and I've always come back to realizing I am still in love with Brian. Hearing his voice didn't make my heart skip a beat the last time I heard from him. It did make me smile, but the strong "in-love" feelings have faded to just...strong love. Platonic love...with history.

Eh, we'll see. Any advice on contacting Joe? It's been a while. I've never asked a guy out before. It's making me a little nervous. I'm not sure if I should do it.

Love you all. Stay safe.
I'm pissed.

You know why I'm pissed? Because I found a guy who makes me laugh, makes me happy, makes life a little bit more interesting and I need to stay away from him. Everything seems different with him. He treats me so well. He's straight out honest with me. He's a gentleman. He stays out of trouble (now, anyway). He wants to take me to CHURCH with him.

However because of who he is and his past I've been being advised by multiple people to just stop answering his calls. I know they're right, and that sucks the most. I shouldn't be talking to him. I shouldn't be thinking about him, I shouldn't be getting attached. He's not the person my heart belongs to or anything, but he's interested in me and the feeling is mutual.

However, we live in two different worlds, he'd probably bring me down, I'd risk losing my family, he has WAAAAAAY more baggage than anyone I've ever met. We're so different, and we're so bad for each other, but already we're addicted to talking to each other.

Even if it could work with us, it's not the time for it right now. He needs to focus on himself, and I can't take him seriously as a bf at the moment. He needs to straighten out his shit first. He's already gotten such a good start...I don't want to hinder that. Not only that, but I can't take believing in someone again and seeing them keep falling apart. I'll be there for him, but I can't be WITH him.

And it's all so frustrating because in another world maybe it would have worked, but it's doomed to fail before we even begin.

I'm gonna die alone. I keep being attracted to people that don't/can't work out. It's the excitement I'm addicted to, I think. The thought of being with someone warm, safe, secure, hard-worker....it's nice, but I'm young and I love trouble, apparently. The thought of being with someone I SHOULD be with...it's boring. I just wish I could find someone willing to cause trouble with me until we're ready to settle down together. I want a ride or die man and that's exactly what Daniel is...I just can't have him.

Ain't that a bitch.

lol best thing i've heard from him yet was his impression of janine "like, omg NO we're SO gonna get shot OMG"

lol my thug.
Current Music: 112- pleasure and pain
29 October 2006 @ 07:15 am
Why do I beg like a child for your candy?
Why do I come after you the way I do?
I love you....
I'm confused as to where my heart is right now...
Current Mood: confusedconfused
Current Music: Snow Patrol
19 October 2006 @ 03:15 pm

Having a history of Alzheimer's in my family and a history of these being my favorite drugs.....This is good news.

I do drugs for my health, damnit.

Current Location: Work
Current Mood: amusedamused